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The Bully Free Classroom by Allan L. Beane
Say the word “bully” to anyone you know, and the stories will start pouring out
about the fourth-grade bully who regularly tripped kids, the second-grade bully who
made girls cry, the sixth-grade bully who lay in wait for kids who were walking home
from school. If bullying is, as some people claim, a normal, natural part of childhood,
why do our memories of bullying incidents remain so vivid and so universally painful?
We now know that bullying is not normal, natural, or acceptable. Young victims
get hurt, both emotionally and physically. Young bullies can grow up to be abusive
adults. And it’s not just the victims and bullies who are affected; people around them
are distracted, intimidated, and upset. Bullying in the classroom prevents students from
learning and teachers from teaching.
While the victims of bullying need to learn skills to avoid such treatment, the
bullies also need to be taught better ways of relating to others. This is where we can all
help. By making a commitment to prevention and intervention, we will be helping to
build a positive environment where everyone feels safe, accepted, and valued. It’s not
enough to stop the bullying that is already happening; we also need to keep students
who aren’t yet bullies or victims from starting down that road.
Before you can solve or prevent a problem, it helps to define it. There are many
myths about bullying. The “True or False Checklist” below will expose some of the myths
and help us start thinking about what bullying is and how it affects everyone.
True or False Checklist
1. Bullying is just teasing.
False. While many bullies tease, others use violence, intimidation, and other
hostile tactics. Sometimes teasing can be fun; bullying always hurts.
2. Some people deserve to be bullied.
False. No one ever deserves to be bullied. No one “asks for it.” Most bullies tease
people who are “different” in some way. Being different is not a reason to be
bullied.
3. Only boys are bullies.
False. Most bullies are boys, but girls can also be bullies.
4. People who complain about bullies are babies.
False. People who complain about bullies are standing up for their right not to be
bullied. They’re more grown-up than bullies are.
5. Bullying is a normal part of growing up.
False. If you think bullying is normal, you’re less likely to say or do anything about
it. Getting teased, picked on, pushed around, threatened, harassed, insulted,
hurt, or abused is not normal.
6. Bullies will go away if you ignore them.
True & False. Some bullies may go away. But others will get angry and keep
bullying until they get a reaction.
7. All bullies have low self-esteem. That’s why they pick on other people.
False. Some bullies have high self-esteem. They feel good about themselves, and
picking on other people makes them feel even better. Most of the time, bullying
isn’t about high or low self-esteem. It’s about having power over other people.
8. It’s tattling to tell an adult when you’re being bullied.
False. It’s smart to tell an adult who can help you do something about bullying.
It’s also smart to tell an adult if you see someone else being bullied.
9. The best way to deal with a bully is by fighting or trying to get even.
False. If you fight with a bully, someone might get hurt. Plus, you might get into
trouble for fighting. If you try to get even, you’re acting the same way as the
bully. And the bully might come after you again to get even with you. Either way
only makes things worse.
10. People who are bullied might hurt for a while, but they’ll get over it.
True & False. It really depends on the person and how severe or prolonged the
bullying is. But bullying can hurt for a long time. Many adults can remember all
too well when they were bullied as children.
Building Conflict-Resolution Skills
Conflict between people is normal and not always avoidable, and not all conflict
is harmful or bad. The difference between destructive and constructive conflict is in how
we choose to manage it. Destructive conflict damages relationships, creates bad
feelings, and leads to future problems. But constructive conflict helps us to learn, grow,
and change for the better. We become more open-minded, tolerant, and accepting. We
see things from other perspectives.
Everyone benefits from learning and practicing conflict-resolution skills. Bullies
discover the real power of solving problems without using force or intimidation. Victims
are empowered to seek solutions instead of giving up and giving in. Our classroom
becomes a place where people are willing to work together to achieve a positive
outcome.
8 Steps to Conflict Resolution
1. Cool down. Don’t try to resolve a conflict when you are angry (or the other
person is angry). Take a time-out, or agree to meet again in 24 hours.
2. Describe the conflict. Each person should tell about what happened in his or her
own words. No put-downs allowed! Important: Although each person may have a
different view of the conflict and use different words to describe it, neither
account is “right” or “wrong.”
3. Describe what caused the conflict. What specific events led up to the conflict?
What happened first? Next? Did the conflict start out as a minor disagreement or
difference of opinion? What happened to turn it into a conflict? Important: Don’t
label the conflict either person’s “fault.”
4. Describe the feelings raised by the conflict. Again, each person should use his or
her own words. Honesty is important. No blaming allowed!
5. Listen carefully and respectfully while the other person is talking. Try to
understand his or her point of view. Don’t interrupt. It might help to “reflect” the
other person’s perceptions and feelings by repeating them. Examples: “You didn’t
like it when I called you a name.” “Your feelings are hurt.” “You thought you
should have first choice about what game to play at recess.” “You’re sad because
you felt left out.”
6. Brainstorm solutions to the conflict. Be creative. Affirm each other’s ideas. Be
open to new ideas. Make a list of brainstormed ideas so participants will
remember them all; then choose one solution to try. Be willing to negotiate and
compromise. Follow the three basic rules of brainstorming:
Participants come up with as many ideas as they can.
All ideas are okay.
Nobody makes fun of anyone’s ideas.Try your solution. See how it works.
Give it your best efforts. Be patient.
7. If one solution doesn’t get results, try another. Keep trying. Brainstorm more
solutions if you need to.
If you can’t resolve the conflict no matter how hard you try, agree to disagree
sometimes that’s the best you can do. Also realize that the conflict doesn’t have to end
your relationship. People can get along even when they disagree.
Allan L. Beane, Ph.D., is a professor in the special education department at Murray
State University in Murray, Kentucky. This article was adapted from his book The Bully
Free Classroom: Over 100 Tips and Strategies for Teachers K8 (Free Spirit Publishing,
1999).
