w2. 250 word min for each Essay . due 9/15 E#1. On pages 95, 96, 97, and 98 of this week’s reading material, we learn more about how to construct our -

w2. 250 word min for each Essay . due 9/15
E#1. On pages 95, 96, 97, and 98 of this week’s reading material, we learn more about how to construct our sentences so that they “flow.”
One of the tricks that you will learn as you scan these pages will instantly take you from junior varsity to the major leagues. A sentence can truly “flow” and even become highly academic in its tone often by using a particular mark of punctuation: the semicolon!
Consider the following pairs of SIMPLE SENTENCES:

Ralph likes to play piano. He isn’t very good.
Ralph keeps practicing his terrible piano technique. His parents keep smiling.

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w2. 250 word min for each Essay . due 9/15 E#1. On pages 95, 96, 97, and 98 of this week’s reading material, we learn more about how to construct our

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Now observe these revised COMPOUND SENTENCES:

Ralph likes to play piano; however, he isn’t very good.
Ralph keeps practicing his terrible piano technique; his parents keep smiling.

The first rewrite uses a semicolon and a conjunctive adverb. The second revision uses just a semicolon to create a increased sense of “flow.”
With technique in mind, compose two paragraphs describing a concert or music event that truly stood out to you as either terrific or terrible. As you compose your two paragraphs, try to succinctly use the semicolon (and the occasional conjunctive adverb and appropriate punctuation) to make your sentences’ sound become more smooth, flowing, and academic.Shoot for a total of 250 words. You don’t need to overuse this semicolon structuring technique. Just try it out a few times within your two paragraphs.
Then, use a quote from a secondary source (an article) that you find on the Bethel Library’s Databases. With this article in mind, you will hear me say this often:USE THE S.Q.P. FORMAT WHEN QUOTING FROM A SOURCE, like this:
Goodson (2009) wrote, Closing the show with a straight-laced display of raw beats and rhymes, Jadakiss delivered on his promise. No frills hip-hop, sans lights, pyro and other detractionsjust the hits that speak to the streets. Street dwellers galore were apparent in the capacity-filled venue (p. 9).

E#2. Now that you fully understand the “Funnel Technique” for composing and organizing the ideas and sentences that will comprise your very well-developed introduction (which should consist of about 10 sentences, not including the thesis sentence), share the introductory paragraphand thesis sentencethat you will use for your final research paper in Unit 5.
After you insert your fully-developed introductionwith its thesis sentence placed at the very end of the paragraph, share a few thoughts in a second paragraph about why you chose this particular subject as the basis of your research paper for the course.Shoot for a total of 250 words.
Then, use a quote from a secondary source (an article) that you find on the Bethel Library’s Databases. At this point, you should be very, very familiar withTHE S.Q.P. FORMAT WHEN QUOTING FROM A SOURCE, like this:
Stellmack,Konheim-Kalkstein,Manor,Massey, &Schmitz(2009) havefound, The purpose of this study was to develop a rubric for grading student writing of the introduction section of an APA-style manuscript and to evaluate the rubrics reliability and validity. We chose to focus on the introduction section because those involved in teaching our research methods course frequently identify it as the most difficult assignment in the course for instructors to grade and for students to write (p. 103).

E#3
Share an outline of your research paper in this discussion. This should be a formal outline, and include points and sub-points.
Initial posts should be 250 words and includeat least two academic sources and references.

YOU ARE Required to use only 2 secondary source (including a direct quote using the SQP Format for APA Style in-text citations, along with the source’s APA Style Reference entry)!!

E#4
For this week’s Discuss assignment, talk about the challenges that you encountered while developing and wrapping up your research paper. What advice would you give to the next set of students beginning this process? Did you learn any tips, tricks, or techniques from this process that you might continue to use in future classes?
YOU ARE Required to use only 2 secondary source (including a direct quote using the SQP Format for APA Style in-text citations, along with the source’s APA Style Reference entry).

Visually
Speaking

How does the image above connote editing and proofreading?
What tools could a writer use for this phase of the writing process?

Editing and proofreading allow you to fine-tune your writing,
making it ready to hand in. When you edit, look first for words,
phrases, and sentences that sound awkward, uninteresting, or
unclear. When you proofread, check your writing for spelling,
mechanics, usage, and grammar errors. Ask one of your writing
peers to help you.

The guidelines and strategies given in this chapter will help
you edit your writing for style and clarity and proofread it for
errors.

Editing and Proofreading6
Learning Outcomes
Understand editing.
Combine short, simplistic

sentences.

Expand sentences to create
a more expressive style.

Improve sentence style.
Use effective words.
Proofread your writing.

Audio Video ModelWeb Link Exercise Interactive

Copyright 2011 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be copied, scanned, or duplicated, in whole or in part. Due to electronic rights, some third party content may be suppressed from the eBook and/or eChapter(s).

Editorial review has deemed that any suppressed content does not materially affect the overall learning experience. Cengage Learning reserves the right to remove additional content at any time if subsequent rights restrictions require it.

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The Writing Process94

Editing Your Revised Draft
When you have thoroughly revised your writing, you need to edit it so as to make it clear
and concise enough to present to readers. Use the editing guidelines below to check your
revised draft.

Review the overall style of your writing.
1. Read your revised writing aloud. Better yet, have a writing peer read it aloud to you.

Highlight any writing that doesnt read smoothly and naturally.

2. Check that your style fits the rhetorical situation.

Goal: Does your writing sound as if you wrote it with a clear aim in mind?
Do the sentence style and word choice match the goal?

Reader: Is the tone sincere? Does the writing sound authentic and honest?

Subject: Does the writing suit the subject and your treatment of it in terms of
seriousness or playfulness, complexity or simplicity?

3. Examine your sentences. Check them for clarity, conciseness, and variety. Replace
sentences that are wordy or rambling; combine or expand sentences that are short
and choppy. Also, vary the beginnings of your sentences and avoid sentence patterns
that are too predictable. (See pages 95101.)

Consider word choice.
1. Avoid redundancy. Be alert for words or phrases that are used together but mean

nearly the same thing.

repeat again red in color refer back

2. Watch for repetition. When used appropriately, repetition can add rhythm and
coherence to your writing. When used ineffectively, however, it can be a real
distraction.

The man looked as if he were in his late seventies. The man was dressed in an
old suit. I soon realized that the man was homeless. . . .

3. Look for general nouns, verbs, and modifiers. Specific words are much more
effective than general ones. (See page 102.)

The girl moved on the bench. (general)
Rosie slid quietly to the end of the park bench. (specific)

4. Avoid highly technical terms. Check for jargon or technical terms that your readers
will not know or that you havent adequately explained. (See page 103.)

As the capillaries bleed, platelets work with fibrinogens to form a clot.

5. Use fair language. Replace words or phrases that are biased or demeaning. (See
pages 104106.)

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Chapter 6 Editing and Proofreading 95

Combining Sentences
Effective sentences often contain several basic ideas that work together to show relationships
and make connections. Here are five basic ideas followed by seven examples of how the ideas
can be combined into effective sentences.

1. The longest and largest construction project in history
was the Great Wall of China.

2. The project took 1,700 years to complete.

3. The Great Wall of China is 1,400 miles long.

4. It is between 18 and 30 feet high.

5. It is up to 32 feet wide.

Edit short, simplistic sentences.
Combine your short, simplistic sentences into longer, more detailed sentences. Sentence
combining is generally carried out in the following ways:

Use a series to combine three or more similar ideas.

The Great Wall of China is 1,400 miles long, between 18 and 30 feet high, and
up to 32 feet wide.

Use a relative pronoun (who, whose, that, which) to introduce subordinate (less
important) ideas.

The Great Wall of China, which is 1,400 miles long and between 18 and 30 feet
high, took 1,700 years to complete.

Use an introductory phrase or clause.

Having taken 1,700 years to complete, the Great Wall of China was the longest
construction project in history.

Use a semicolon (and a conjunctive adverb if appropriate).

The Great Wall took 1,700 years to complete; it is 1,400 miles long and up to 30
feet high and 32 feet wide.

Repeat a key word or phrase to emphasize an idea.

The Great Wall of China was the longest construction project in history, a project
that took 1,700 years to complete.

Use correlative conjunctions (either, or; not only, but also) to compare or contrast
two ideas in a sentence.

The Great Wall of China is not only up to 30 feet high and 32 feet wide, but also
1,400 miles long.

Use an appositive (a word or phrase that renames) to emphasize an idea.

The Great Wall of Chinathe largest construction project in historyis 1,400
miles long, 32 feet wide, and up to 30 feet high.

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The Writing Process96

Expanding Sentences
Expand sentences when you edit so as to connect related ideas and make room for new
information. Length has no value in and of itself: The best sentence is still the shortest one
that says all it has to say. An expanded sentence, however, is capable of saying moreand
saying it more expressively.

Use cumulative sentences.
Modern writers often use an expressive sentence form called the cumulative sentence. A
cumulative sentence is made of a general base clause that is expanded by adding modifying
words, phrases, or clauses. In such a sentence, details are added before and after the main
clause, creating an image-rich thought. Heres an example of a cumulative sentence, with the
base clause or main idea in boldface:

In preparation for her Spanish exam, Julie was studying at the kitchen table,
completely focused, memorizing a list of vocabulary words.

Discussion: Notice how each new modifier adds to the richness of the final sentence.
Also notice that each of these modifying phrases is set off by a comma. Heres another
sample sentence:

With his hands on his face, Tony was laughing halfheartedly, looking puzzled
and embarrassed.

Discussion: Such a cumulative sentence provides a way to write description that is rich
in detail, without rambling. Notice how each modifier changes the flow or rhythm of
the sentence.

Expand with details.
Here are seven basic ways to expand a main idea:

1. with adjectives and adverbs: halfheartedly, once again

2. with prepositional phrases: with his hands on his face

3. with absolute phrases: his head tilted to one side

4. with participial (ing or ed) phrases: looking puzzled

5. with infinitive phrases: to hide his embarrassment

6. with subordinate clauses: while his friend talks

7. with relative clauses: who isnt laughing at all

InSIght: To edit sentences for more expressive style, it is best to (1) know your grammar
and punctuation (especially commas); (2) practice tightening, combining, and expanding
sentences using the guidelines in this chapter; and (3) read carefully, looking for models of
well-constructed sentences.

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Writing with Sources: When you integrate a quotation into the flow of text, make
sure that the quotation works with the material around it. Either make the quotation a
grammatical part of the sentence, or introduce the quotation with a complete sentence
followed by a colon.

Chapter 6 Editing and Proofreading 97

Checking for Sentence Style
Writer E. B. White advised young writers to approach sentence style by way of simplicity,
plainness, orderliness, and sincerity. Thats good advice from a writer steeped in style. Its
also important to know what to look for when editing your sentences. The information
on this page and the following four pages will help you edit your sentences for style and
correctness.

Avoid these sentence problems.
Always check for and correct the following types of sentence problems. Turn to the pages listed
below for guidelines and examples when attempting to fix problems in your sentences.

Short, Choppy Sentences: Combine or expand any short, choppy sentences; use the
examples and guidelines on page 95.
Flat, Predictable Sentences: Rewrite any sentences that sound predictable and
uninteresting by varying their structures and expanding them with modifying words,
phrases, and clauses. (See pages 98100.)
Incorrect Sentences: Look carefully for fragments, run-ons, and comma splices and
correct them accordingly.
Unclear Sentences: Edit any sentences that contain unclear wording, misplaced
modifiers, dangling modifiers, or incomplete comparisons.
Unacceptable Sentences: Change sentences that include nonstandard language,
double negatives, or unparallel construction.
Unnatural Sentences: Rewrite sentences that contain jargon, clichs, or flowery
language. (See page 103.)

Review your writing for sentence variety.
Use the following strategy to review your writing for variety in terms of sentence beginnings,
lengths, and types.

In one column on a piece of paper, list the opening words in each of your sentences.
Then decide if you need to vary some of your sentence beginnings.

In another column, identify the number of words in each sentence.
Then decide if you need to change the lengths of some of your sentences.

In a third column, list the kinds of sentences used (exclamatory, declarative,
interrogative, and so on). Then, based on your analysis, use the instructions on the
next two pages to edit your sentences as needed.

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Writing with Sources: When you refer to ideas from a source, use the historical present
tense. That is, refer to the person and her or his work in the present tenseEinstein
writes that relativity . . . Use past tense only if you want to emphasize the pastness of
the source.

The Writing Process98

Vary sentence structures.
To energize your sentences, vary their structures using one or more of the methods shown
on this page and the next.

1. Vary sentence openings. Move a modifying word, phrase, or clause to the front of
the sentence to stress that modifier. However, avoid creating dangling or misplaced
modifiers.

The norm: We apologize for the inconvenience this may have caused you.

Variation: For the inconvenience this may have caused you, we apologize.

2. Vary sentence lengths. Short sentences (ten words or fewer) are ideal for making
points crisply. Medium sentences (ten to twenty words) should carry the bulk of
your information. When well crafted, occasional long sentences (more than twenty
words) can develop and expand your ideas.

Short: Welcome back to Magnolia Suites!

Medium: Unfortunately, your confirmed room was unavailable last night
when you arrived. For the inconvenience this may have caused
you, we apologize.

Long: Because several guests did not depart as scheduled, we were
forced to provide you with accommodations elsewhere;
however, for your trouble, we were happy to cover the cost of
last nights lodging.

3. Vary sentence kinds. The most common sentence is declarativeit states a point.
For variety, try exclamatory, imperative, interrogative, and conditional statements.

Exclamatory: Our goal is providing you with outstanding service!

Declarative: To that end, we have upgraded your room at no expense.

Imperative: Please accept, as well, this box of chocolates as a gift to
sweeten your stay.

Interrogative: Do you need further assistance?

Conditional: If you do, we are ready to fulfill your requests.

InSIght: In creative writing (stories, novels, plays), writers occasionally use fragments
to vary the rhythm of their prose, emphasize a point, or create dialogue. Avoid fragments in
academic or business writing.

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Chapter 6 Editing and Proofreading 99

4. Vary sentence arrangements. Where do you want to place the main point of your
sentence? You make that choice by arranging sentence parts into loose, periodic,
balanced, or cumulative patterns. Each pattern creates a specific effect.

Loose Sentence

The Travel Center offers an attractive flight-reservation plan for students,
one that allows you to collect bonus miles and receive $150,000 in life
insurance per flight.

Analysis: This pattern is direct. It states the main point immediately (bold), and then
tacks on extra information.

Periodic Sentence

Although this plan requires that you join the Travel Centers Student-Flight Club
and pay the $10 admission fee, in the long run you will save money!

Analysis: This pattern postpones the main point (bold) until the end. The sentence
builds to the point, creating an indirect, dramatic effect.

Balanced Sentence

Joining the club in your freshman year will save you money over your entire
college career; in addition, accruing bonus miles over four years will earn
you a free trip to Europe!

Analysis: This pattern gives equal weight to complementary or contrasting points
(bold); the balance is often signaled by a comma and a conjunction (and, but) or by a
semicolon. Often a conjunctive adverb (however, nevertheless) or a transitional phrase
(in addition, even so) will follow the semicolon to further clarify the relationship.

Cumulative Sentence

Because the club membership is in your name, you can retain its benefits as
long as you are a student, even if you transfer to a different college or go on to
graduate school.

Analysis: This pattern puts the main idea (bold) in the middle of the sentence,
surrounding it with modifying words, phrases, and clauses.

5. Use positive repetition. Although you should avoid needless repetition, you might
use emphatic repetition to repeat a key word to stress a point.

Repetitive Sentence

Each year, more than a million young people who read poorly leave high
school unable to read well, functionally illiterate.

Emphatic Sentence

Each year, more than a million young people leave high school functionally
illiterate, so illiterate that they cant read daily newspapers, job ads, or safety
instructions.

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Writing with Sources: When using sources, smoothly integrate text references to those
sources. (For guidelines, see pages 491528 for MLA and pages 529558 for APA.)

The Writing Process100

Use parallel structure.
Coordinated sentence elements should be parallelthat is, they should be written in the
same grammatical forms. Parallel structures save words, clarify relationships, and present
the information in the correct sequence. Follow these guidelines.

1. For words, phrases, or clauses in a series, keep elements consistent.

Not parallel: I have tutored students in Biology 101, also Chemistry 102, not
to mention my familiarity with Physics 200.

Parallel: I have tutored students in Biology 101, Chemistry 102, and
Physics 200.

Not parallel: I have volunteered as a hospital receptionist, have been a
hospice volunteer, and as an emergency medical technician.

Parallel: I have done volunteer work as a hospital receptionist, a hospice
counselor, and an emergency medical technician.

2. Use both parts of correlative conjunctions (either, or; neither, nor; not only, but also;
as, so; whether, so; both, and) so that both segments of the sentence are balanced.

Not parallel: Not only did Blake College turn 20 this year. Its enrollment grew
by 16 percent.

Parallel: Not only did Blake College turn 20 this year, but its enrollment
also grew by 16 percent.

3. Place a modifier correctly so that it clearly indicates the word or words to which it
refers.

Confusing: MADD promotes severely punishing and eliminating drunk
driving because this offense leads to a great number of deaths
and sorrow.

Parallel: MADD promotes eliminating and severely punishing drunk
driving because this offense leads to many deaths and untold
sorrow.

4. Place contrasting details in parallel structures (words, phrases, or clauses) to stress
a contrast.

Weak contrast: The average child watches 24 hours of television a week and
reads for 36 minutes.

Strong contrast: Each week, the average child watches television for 24 hours but
reads for only about half an hour.

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Chapter 6 Editing and Proofreading 101

Avoid weak constructions.
Avoid constructions (like those below) that weaken your writing.

Nominal Constructions

The nominal construction is both sluggish and wordy. Avoid it by changing the noun form
of a verb (description or instructions) to a verb (describe or instruct). At the same time, delete
the weak verb that preceded the noun.

nomInal ConStRuCtIonS
(noun form underlined) StRong VeRBS

Tim gave a description . . . Tim described . . .
Lydia provided instructions . . . Lydia instructed . . .

Sluggish: John had a discussion with the tutors regarding the incident. They
gave him their confirmation that similar developments had occurred
before, but they had not provided submissions of their reports.

Energetic: John discussed the incident with the tutors. They confirmed that
similar problems had developed before, but they hadnt submitted
their reports.

Expletives

Expletives such as it is and there is are fillers that serve no purpose in most sen tences
except to make them wordy and unnatural.

Sluggish: It is likely that Nathan will attend the Communication Departments
Honors Banquet. There is a journalism scholarship that he
might win.

Energetic: Nathan will likely attend the Communication Departments
Honors Banquet and might win a journalism scholarship.

Negative Constructions

Sentences constructed upon the negatives no, not, neither/nor can be wordy and difficult to
understand. Its simpler to state what is the case.

Negative: During my four years on the newspaper staff, I have not been
behind in making significant contributions. My editorial skills have
certainly not deteriorated, as I have never failed to tackle challenging
assignments.

Positive: During my four years on the newspaper staff, I have made
significant contributions. My editorial skills have steadily developed
as I have tackled difficult assignments.

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The Writing Process102

Avoiding Imprecise, Misleading,
and Biased Words

As you edit your writing, check your choice of words carefully. The information on the next
five pages will help you edit for word choice.

Substitute specific words.
Replace vague nouns and verbs with words that generate clarity and energy.

Specific Nouns

Make it a habit to use specific nouns for subjects. General nouns (woman, school) give the
reader a vague, uninteresting picture. More specific nouns (actress, university) give the reader
a better picture. Finally, very specific nouns (Meryl Streep, Notre Dame) are the type that can
make your writing clear and colorful.

geneRal to SpeCIfIC nounS

Vivid Verbs

Like nouns, verbs can be too general to create a vivid word picture. For example, the verb
looked does not say the same thing as stared, glared, glanced, or peeked.

Whenever possible, use a verb that is strong enough to stand alone without the help
of an adverb.

Verb and adverb: John fell down in the student lounge.

Vivid verb: John collapsed in the student lounge.
Avoid overusing the be verbs (is, are, was, were) and helping verbs. Often

a main verb can be made from another word in the same sentence.

A be verb: Cole is someone who follows international news.

A stronger verb: Cole follows international news.
Use active rather than passive verbs. (Use passive verbs only if you want to downplay

who is performing the action in a sentence. See page 81.)

Passive verb: Another provocative essay was submitted by Kim.

Active verb: Kim submitted another provocative essay.
Use verbs that show rather than tell.

A verb that tells: Dr. Lewis is very thorough.

A verb that shows: Dr. Lewis prepares detailed, interactive lectures.

Person Place Thing Idea

woman school book theory

actor university novel scientific theory

Meryl Streep Notre Dame Pride and Prejudice relativity

Audio Video ModelWeb Link Exercise Interactive

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Chapter 6 Editing and Proofreading 103

Replace jargon and clichs.
Replace language that is overly technical or difficult to understand. Also replace overused,
worn-out words.

Understandable Language

Jargon is language used in a certain profession or by a particular group of people. It may be
acceptable to use if your audience is that group of people, but to most ears jargon will sound
technical and unnatural.

Jargon: The bottom line is that our output is not within our game plan.
Clear: Production is not on schedule.
Jargon: Im having conceptual difficulty with these academic queries.
Clear: I dont understand these review questions.
Jargon: Pursuant to our conversation, I have forwarded you a remittance

attached herewith.
Clear: As we discussed, I am mailing you the check.

Fresh and Original Writing

Clichs are overused words or phrases. They give the reader no fresh view and no concrete
picture. Because clichs spring quickly to mind (for both the writer and the reader), they are
easy to write and often remain unedited.

an axe to grind piece of cake
as good as dead planting the seed
beat around the bush rearing its ugly head
between a rock and a hard place stick your neck out
burning bridges throwing your weight around
easy as pie up a creek

Purpose and Voice

Other aspects of your writing may also be tired and overworked. Be alert to the two types of
clichs described below.

Clichs of Purpose:
Sentimental papers gushing about an ideal friend or family member, or droning

on about a moving experience
Overused topics with recycled information and predictable examples

Clichs of Voice:
Writing that assumes a false sense of authority: I have determined that there are

three basic types of newspapers. My preference is for the third.
Writing that speaks with little or no sense of authority: I flipped when I saw

Viewpoints.
Writing that is pretentious: Because I have researched the topic thoroughly,

readers should not question my conclusion.

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The Writing Process104

Change biased words.
When depicting individuals or groups according to their differences, use language that
implies equal value and respect for all people.

Words Referring to Ethnicity

aCCeptaBle geneRal teRmS aCCeptaBle SpeCIfIC teRmS
American Indians, Cherokee people, Inuit people, and so forth
Native Americans

Asian Americans Chinese Americans, Japanese
(not Orientals) Americans, and so forth

Latinos, Latinas, Mexican Americans, Cubans

Hispanics Americans, and so forth

African Americans, blacks
African American has come into wide acceptance, though the term

Related Questions:

Related questions

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